And the ugly truth of it's manifestations.
So earlier in this year of 2016, mid-April, I went through some stuff with my university - a lecturer tried to employ a friend and I and worked us 40 hours a week, to be blunt - and I battled with trying to keep this secret as well as trying to still fit in to my everyday classes and get my classwork done.
During this ordeal, I began to develop a very irritating and disgusting looking skin reaction.
I've always had issues with allergies, and to be fair, I probably should've gone and done a full Allergy test by now to determine everything I could be allergic to. It started off small, with just a random rashy-feeling reaction on my ears and neck. It looked like hives, but it burned.
However, as this began, I immediately started to fear that it wasn't allergies, and that maybe it was something more sinister.
I also feared whether I had suddenly started to become allergic to my precious kitty cat, Sketch. It started with smaller parts of my body being affected - my ears would often burn, become itchy and then become swollen and red.
I would wake up in the middle of the night with large parts of my body feeling like they were burning, this was especially true of the palms of my hands - it was the main thing that burned and itched and woke me up from sleep - it's REALLY hard to itch your palms. Sometimes I would jump out of bed just to pour some cold water on them so they didn't feel like they were on fire. It's genuinely what it felt like.
It felt like I had this thing creeping along inside my body, and it would erupt where ever it pleased. Slowly but surely it began to affect EVERY part of my body. And it was so hard not to itch - everyone tells you not to itch hives, but when they are erupting all over you, it was really hard NOT to. This brought on other self confidence issues with my already low self esteem. I hated going into class and itching constantly; it's the anxiety that everyone will think you're diseased or dirty because they see you constantly itching and picking away at various parts of your body.
During this period I spent a lot of time in my university bathrooms crying due to how difficult it felt to deal with, and how alone I felt in this whole situation. It began to get worse, and bigger. One morning I would up with these hives covering both my breasts - it scared me to no end. I remember telling a female classmate about it and why I was staying home that day, and I even felt the need to message her a picture to show the severity of what I was dealing with.
After this began to happen, it became very hard to go out for 'entertainment.' I stopped seeing friends, and I became very isolated to my home. It was hard to go into class. It was hard to go to the grocery store. It was hard to do anything because I felt like I'd be looked at like someone infected with something grossly contagious.
This was because it had spread to my face. I had red lumpy-bumpy skin for a long while, and I had common sense to not wear makeup on it fearing that would make it worse. (Not like makeup could cover the swollen lumps that made my skin look like a wrecked carpet.)
Finally, it hit the climax of the ordeal. I had my best friend over, and I also had a cold which seemed to aggravate my condition. I felt guilty for having to strut us to the nearest walk-in clinic as we always get such limited time together - but it became completely unbearable by this point.
I was prescribed a very high dosage of antihistamines to aid the hives-like reaction and after about a month of being with this condition, I had used process of elimination to determine that it was not an allergic reaction to anything in my home, or any products that I used. I started taking this medication when it got severe, it took about a half an hour before the burning sensation stopped and the hives calmed down.
A couple months had passed and while I was still trying to self diagnose (to save myself the anxiety of having to go through the already stressed NHS system in the U.K.) I came across a condition nicknamed as 'Skinwriting,' or Dermatographic Urticaria. This seemed to accurately fit what I had as the prescribed medication made the itching and burning stop, but it seemed I could... Write on my skin with just my nails!
When the itching and burning stopped, it became more of a fascination as to why this was happening to my body. After reading it was a symptom of a possible thyroid condition, I began to really believe that was the problem. I have a very hard time reconciling physical ailments with just the excuse or reasoning of 'stress.'
When it came time for summer, I had moved into a new place with my two best friends and my one friend from class. I was feeling homesick and had planned an impromptu trip to the States to see my family. During this sunny, carefree time, my condition had almost entirely disappeared - and this is now where I believe this condition is entirely stress-related, at least with myself.
Fast forward a couple months, and here I am again - stress with my business partner and flatmates have brought it back with a fury. The condition has come back like a dark evil that hides inside me. I'm finding normal little itches on the body are amplified tenfold again. The burning sensations are back when I go to scratch. However, now at least, my healthier lifestyle changes have made it more bearable, as well as the ability I'm fostering to be kinder to myself in situations of stress.
Luckily, it's not come to my face, and along with things like losing height due to healthier lifestyle changes, getting better sleep and being more proactive with going outside - even for Pokemon Go! hunting walks - has helped immensely.
I feel blessed and happy that I was able to come through the trials and tribulations of life with only this skin condition to live with and I do genuinely believe that a healthier lifestyle can help and the ability to just be kind to oneself through times of stress can ease living with this condition.
To anyone suffering from Skinwriting - it can get better - and while it is my own choice and experience with my body that led me to the conclusion that my condition is stress-related, if you believe something else is happening with your body - do go see a doctor. Be proactive in trying to change things such as your diet or sleeping conditions, and do a lot of research on why this could be a symptom of a deeper lying illness if you believe it so. (Not just with WebMD either, try reading about others' experiences with Skinwriting through online forums.) Quick note - the sunlight really helped my condition too!
And to end on a peaceful note - be kind to yourself (and to borrow from Ellen Degeneres) - Be kind to each other.
Lots of love,
Farah
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